A long time friend and I walked through the forest towards the ocean, catching up. She was excited to get me up to date on her new long term relationship. Her and her partner recently had bought a house together and were planning to have a baby. After telling me all the great things about the relationship, she admitted the sex isn't great. And she's finding she doesn't want sex that much, nor does her partner. They get along great and she wondered if she should be worried about their lack of sex. I answered "I don't think so."
I mean, why worry about something that isn't actually bothering you yet? I wondered if it would come up as an issue for them in the future. I couldn't relate because my partner and I are both keen on sex most often. Occasionally we have similar sex drive, but often one of us has more. Luckily, the person with the higher sex drive changes, so we both know what it feels like to be on either end of it.
It's impossible to always have matching libido in a long term relationship. Here are some ways to bring more sexual energy into your relationship-without necessarily having sex. and ways bridge the gaps when one partner is wanting sex more than the other.
1) Know Yourself. Unfortunately many people learn about sex by watching porn. Most women are not into the kind of sex that is often seen on a porno. The number one thing you can do for yourself and your sex life is to explore and to know what you like. Touch yourself! Find what feels good. Maybe you like to listen to music while you do it. What kind of music? What positions feel good? What speed is best? These are all things that you need to share with your partner. If you don't know these things then you cannot give someone a hard time for also not knowing how to turn you on. If you are not wanting sex, maybe it's because you haven't told your partner exactly how you want to be touched. Maybe you need a foot massage before you start to help you connect and relax. Maybe you need things to be spontaneous or maybe you need sex to be planned into your schedule so you can anticipate it and be prepared to be present. Know what you want.
2)Talk about sex. This is always a solid first step. Studies show that if you have less sexual desire than your partner, you can engage him/her/them in a conversation about it and this alone will increase their sexual satisfaction with you. No sex necessary. Ask them questions about what they like, their fantasies, things they are interested in trying. By talking about it you might even get turned on. Or, if there are some ideas you like, you'll know some things to try next time you are trying to turn on your partner.
3) Accept all that you hear. Sexuality is extremely personal. When we open up to people about our sexuality its leaves us vulnerable. Even if you are not interested in doing any of the things your partner desires, hear what they have to express with curiosity and acceptance.
4) Find some middle ground. Maybe one of you will always want sex more often than the other. But how can you find some middle ground? Maybe it's not so much about sex . Maybe it's about connection or physical touch. Define the needs that person has associated with sex. Maybe their desires can be met with more loving physical touch throughout the day. Maybe having sex with penetration is not necessary. Maybe using hands or toys would also be an option that would satisfy their needs. Find what you are willing to do that feels good for the both of you.
Sexuality is an important part of relationships, and it can be expressed in endless ways. If you're not having sex, try talking about how you're not having sex with an open mind and see what happens.
Comments